Four years...

 
      I used to think that I was someone that was resilient; I’d see the ‘silver lining’ in whatever came my way. I‘m realizing now, that I am less that way than I thought. It’s funny, you really don’t know you who are until you go through something hard. I feel like pain is a magnifying glass on you, allowing you to see who you really are. Unfortunately I have had ample opportunities to see who I am through this magnifying glass of pain. On some occasions, I haven’t  minded what I saw. On others, I was saddened by what was revealed. But you see the older I get, the more okay I am  with what is revealed. I am figuring something out: the only way to truly make a stride at getting better is to know what’s truly underneath. The really good news is that I am loved, warts and all, by my Heavenly Father. It has taken me a really long time to understand and get a grasp on this. I‘m a performer, presenting what I think people want to or need to see. I am the one that will go great lengths to hide what is truly going on in my heart. But the problem with pain is, it cuts away the pretend to get to the authentic. It allows you to see what is really going on and what is truly underneath it all. It also wears out your pretend muscle. You know, that muscle that you use to hide. It wears it out so that it no longer works. All that is left is you.
     What I have learned about me through pain is this: I’m not as strong or as smart as I thought.  I am not as self reliant and way more broken than I thought. The person that I lie to the most is me. I need others way more than I want to.  Memorizing scripture doesn’t erase the pain that I am experiencing. The cliche things that I used to say just don’t seem to work for me anymore. It’s okay to feel.
     I have also learned that I don’t have to always have it together. I don’t have to always say that I am fine. I don’t always have to force a smile if that is not what I am feeling on the inside. It’s okay if I need to lay in the bed for just another moment in order to garner the strength to face today. I don’t spend time with the Lord to check it off of a box, but to sit with my best friend and be reminded of who I really am.
     You might be wondering where all these thoughts are coming from? What pain am I referring to?The reason all these thoughts are in my head is because I just passed the four year anniversary of my brother, Tony, being killed in a motorcycle accident. You know what, I am still very sad at times. Not all the time, but more than I thought I would be. I see my sons play together from time to time and it makes me both happy and sad. I am happy that my boys love each other.  But I am sad because I had a love like that with Tony and now he’s not here to share it. This isn’t to takeaway from the relationship with my other brothers. Tony and I had something special. I didn’t have to say a word and he would know what I was thinking. He could call me out about something that was lacking and I could receive it.
     The thing I’m missing most right now is Tony’s smile. It would be like finding  a unicorn because it was rare with most people. But I could make it happen more often than not! I also miss his hugs; I do. His laugh was unmistakable. What I have realized is, I still really miss him. I miss him a lot. I miss him more when I talk to his daughter and see her face, because I see him looking back at me.
      I think the biggest takeaway from all of this is that it’s okay to still miss my brother and be sad from time to time. It’s ok because I am loved right where I am, and I am loved strong by God. He has never based his love for me on how well I fake being okay.  He has always loved me full on “while yet I was a sinner, he died for me.” That means, that at my worst, He loved my best. Even though it has been four years and I get sad when I see my boys play, or a Teddy Pendergrass song comes on it’s okay and I am still fully loved. I can be in process because it is about the process! The refining that comes through the magnifying glass of pain.
      So in another four years when I get sad by seeing a Black and Mild package or a Hilton Head island magnet, it’s okay. It’s ok because I know that I’m being refined, it’s just taking longer than I thought.

Stepping into best...

Some months ago, I was spending some time with the Lord and instead of doing what i normally do when I spend time with the Lord, that would be talking, I was listening. Or a better way to state it, I was being still. As I was being still, I felt this impression that it was time to go back  towards home. My family currently lives in Denton, Texas and home is Atlanta, GA. That is about a 14 hour drive. Another side note to this story, I did not have a job in Atlanta, I am all about following the Lord, as long as it is convenient. That pains me to say, but it is as transparent as I can be. So i did what any sane follower of Jesus would do, I ignored the invitation back towards home. Don't worry I made a really strong case why I was right and why what the Lord had invited me to do didn't make any sense. So I kept walking in my direction. 

     Yet the invitation kept being presented to me. Then it kept being presented to me. Let me give you some free information, when Jesus invites you into something, it is best to accept the invitation. Also, you want what he is offering, trust me. So finally, I told Jesus, "if you want me to go towards home, then you have to make a way. Because currently, there is not a way as far as I can tell." Here comes more free info. don't challenge Jesus. He will always exceed the challenge, not always the way you think, but there has never been a challenge that He has been issued that was not overcome. You remember what death tried to do, He ended up dunking on death. I'll press on. A few weeks later I was doing a camp with a buddy of mine and he looked at me and asked, "So when are you going to come back home?" I am not sure if that was exactly what he said, but that is what I heard. I was a little taken back. A few days later I found myself having a conversation with the pastor of his church talking about an opportunity they had available and we both thought that it would be a good fit for me. I failed to mention that this opportunity was south of Atlanta, Atlanta is home.  So we decided that we would continue to talk and to see where this would lead. 

     When I arrived back to Dallas, my wife an I went on a date. I decided that this would be the time to let her know all that was going on in my heart. I told her about the tug back home, I told her about the opportunity that presented itself, and I admitted that I wanted to go back towards home. One of the main reasons I wanted to go home, outside of wanting to be obedient,  was to be closer to my parents and enjoy even more the relationship with my dad. (My dad and I haven't always been close. But due to the Lord leveraging some hard things, him and I are now buddies.) I began crying as I was talking to my wife and as I started to cry she began to cry. Ladies, when you begin to cry, the men in your life are unsure as to what needs to be done. I thought I broke her. Then I asked a very dangerous question, "Why are you crying?" She said, "Me too..." She was feeling the same things about going back towards home. So we decided that no matter what, we were going to head back home. Now all I had to do was to secure a job and tell my friend/lead pastor. 

     I called my pastor and told him I was going to come and see him and I was bringing him coffee. Things typically go better over coffee in my experience. So I went to his house and I told him everything. After I was done spilling my guts and getting over the sick feeling in my stomach, he looked at me and said, "Nick, that sounds right. I don't have any checks in my spirit." Yet another affirmation. I thought in that moment, "I guess we really are going back towards home." 

     The next few weeks were crazy. Things were progressing with the Atlanta opportunity. It was a great fit, but not the best fit. Then all of a sudden, things slowed down with that opportunity. Laura and I both thought that was a bit strange. But we kept walking and trusting. Then we had an end date for work in Dallas, we began to get a little nervous. Then, I felt prompted to send a text to a pastor in TN who had asked me to be his teaching pastor many months prior. I told him that I was looking to go back towards home and wanted to see if the opportunity he contacted me about was still available and he told me that it was still available for me. So we continued to walk and explore that opportunity. Both the Atlanta and the Tennessee opportunity continued to progress. Our prayer during that time was Jesus make it clear. As we continued to walk, that's exactly what he did. We finally realized that He made a way and opened the best door, that door was TN. This journey reminds me of a story about Jesus and one of his disciples on the sea and in a boat. Jesus was on the water, skiing like a boss. Then Peter looks at Jesus and says, "If that is really you, call me out of the boat." If you are familiar with this story, you know what happened next. Jesus calls Peter out of the boat. Peter begins to walk on the water and then realizes that walking on water can't be done and is crazy. So he begins to sink and Jesus, doesn't get mad at him, but extends his hand to raise Peter up. I can relate to this story more so than I ever have. If you think about it, you probably can as well. See in this story, the boat is a great choice. It's safe, it's sturdy, and Peter knew boats well, he was familiar with boats. To step out of the boat, required trust and risk. But is was the best choice. You might not be convinced of this, let me explain. Out of the boat is where Jesus was, wherever Jesus is, that's best! So for me and my family, we want best, we want to go where Jesus is calling us and in this season, it happens to be TN. TN is where we have been called to walk on water. So we are walking. This season has not been an easy one, it has been stretching. Stretching is necessary. We have to be stretched so we can be best prepared for the next task at hand. My prayer for us, meaning my family, is that we wont cling to great things like the boat, but we will be willing to step upon the waters and walk towards what is best. Jesus is always best.

 

Imitators...

     So, I have been a dad for about eight years now. I can't even count all the lessons that I have gleaned through the the blessing of being a dad. In light of Father's Day being around the corner, I have been reminded of one of this particular lessons. Sometimes when it comes to things I have learned, I am quick to forget the lesson and move on to the next thing. But with this one, it resonates and it refines, so it won't let me go. For a very long time, I was almost obsessed with what others thought of me. I was hungry for the big stage so people would know who I was. I was seduced by the job title so that people could see that I had accomplished something and that I was somebody. I was entranced with who I knew so that people would see that the people I knew were cooler than the people they know. It really was a sad reality. Don't let me lead you to believe that I have totally overcome all of this, I am still a work in progress. But the older I get and the more I listen, the less this is becoming what it is all about. I have begun to realize that I am okay if the world does not stand and notice me, I am okay if my title isn't more amazing than the next guy's, I am even okay that if the stages I grace are in my community and not on a national scale. I have begun to discover what is most important. First, it is okay that I am content to be loved by God and to be a son of the King. That sounds simple, but that realization was forged through me a dark day. Secondly, I have been blessed to love a woman that truly is a gift and bonus, she likes me. I mean she really, really does. She even thinks that after all this time that I am attractive and she loves me more today than she did yesterday, wow. Talk about being blessed. I haven't always looked at it that way, but these days I realize what a huge blessing it is. Thirdly, and this is where I want to lean in, I get to be a daddy. Yes, fatherhood is not something to be endured, but enjoyed. It has taken me a minute to allow this to take root in my heart. But not only has it taken root, but it has begun to bloom.
     A little of a year ago, my wife, lead my little girl Ava-Grace into relationship with Jesus. Then I got to baptize my little girl at church. This was one of the sweetest moments of my life. Who was I, that would be blessed with such an opportunity to baptize my daughter?What a gift that the Lord had entrusted me with. Then a few months ago, my son Jackson and I were talking about Jesus and he was asking me questions and then he told me that he wanted to ask Jesus to be his best friend. He told me that he know that he made mistakes but that his mistakes had been paid for because Jesus died on a cross and that his dad raised him from the dead and because of this, He could live with Jesus forever and he wanted to do that. I was very reluctant, this kid is only 5, I thought. Does he really get it? I questioned. Then I was reminded by the Holy Spirit to let the children come to me. I did not want to stand in the way of what the Lord was doing. So while my son was in the bed, I walked him into relationship with Jesus. I teared up a lot doing the process, I was overwhelmed that the Lord would allow me to be a part of what He was doing in the heart of my son. I was overwhelmed that as frustrated that I get with my son because he is all boy and forgets his middle name at times, he would allow me to be the one to be a part of this. Then, like a wave that is about to crash, it hit me, this is what a dad does. A dad loves, serves, and demonstrates the love of God. We are a catalyst of the wonder and awesomeness of God. Then I also realized, there is no better calling or place I would rather be than by my son's bed and telling him about Jesus. So many times I wonder, am I doing enough? Am I leading well? Am I enough? Just like a whisper in the dark, the Lord said to me, "Nick, you are enough and fix your eyes on me and follow and allow your son to follow you as you follow me." It says it this way in scripture...
     
     “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ.”
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭11:1‬ ‭ESV‬‬
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     I am really good at making things complicated, but that simple truth resonated loudly with me. I am okay if I never walk on another stage as long as I am allowed to follow Jesus and have my kids follow that. It has taken me a long time to get to this point and as I have mentioned earlier, I still battle and wrestle with this truth. But I have been made aware that there is nothing sweeter than following Jesus and having your kids follow you. It is also relieving, as I fix my eyes on Jesus and step, my kids will watch that and hopefully do the same thing. Last week, I got to baptize my son in our pool in our backyard. There were not a lot of people there, because my son gets anxious in crowds. It was just him and I in the pool and his brother, sister and mom on the pool deck. I asked him about Jesus and he answered me and then I baptized him. There was applause from the family and a hug from his dad. And that was enough. And I am learning that maybe those tender intimate moments are really what it is all about. The Lord has called me to steward what he has entrusted me with and I am becoming more and more okay with that. So to you who has been entrusted with much, much is required. To you who questions if you are enough, you are enough, because your Heavenly Father says you are enough. May you steward well what you have been entrusted with and may you taste and see that the Lord is good.

     Nick, still in process but taking steps.